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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23054938">Hear what I can't say</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aalvina/pseuds/Aalvina'>Aalvina</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/acatbyanyothername/pseuds/acatbyanyothername'>acatbyanyothername</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Witcher (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Falling In Love, Fluff, Healing, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Poetry, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prisoner of War, Violence, War</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 06:34:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,144</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23054938</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aalvina/pseuds/Aalvina, https://archiveofourown.org/users/acatbyanyothername/pseuds/acatbyanyothername</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The war falls onto the continent and Jaskier is made prisoner. His survival comes with a cost.<br/>His healing with a love</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>216</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hear what I can't say</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Story by Aalvina after one sleepless night plagued by this plot and 4 straight hours of writing. </p><p>Poetry and songs written by acatbyanyothername</p><p> </p><p>Enjoy !</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jaskier had meant to keep a low profile when the war struck but people recognized him and asked for songs, for him to bring a bit of hope or happiness in these bleak times. So he did, he stayed mainly at Oxenfurt, trying to convince himself he was not waiting for Geralt to come and apologize so they could travel together once again. He wrote poems as a scholar and sang at the local taverns. They all thought they were safe from Nilfgaard. When they realized the army would reach the city it was too late to flee. He thought they would all be slaughtered but Nilfgaard sorcerers had plans and they needed workers for that. </p><p>He ended in one of those working camp, digging around ancient monolith some mage was studying, his days were full of sweat and dirt and blood from blister inside his palms. Jaskier heard of the Witcher protecting the young princess and after a few workers looked at him with curiosity he grew his hair to hide his face, let his beard grow and worked hard. He wasn’t weak before but the hard work and small portion of food made his body more muscular and dry, tired. </p><p>Once he tried to soothe the sick with a song and was dragged to a cell and left to starve for 3 days. The episode made him angry and he started to whisper words of rebellion to his fellow prisoner. For a few weeks the whispers stayed away from the guards but one night he was roughly woken up by a stern looking mage and put in the middle of the camp. A guard took a whip out and Jaskier did not remember much, or refused to remember the burn of the whip cutting his skin, the rash pain from the wind blowing sand in his wounds and his scream relentless as the people who had listened to him in hope stayed silent and watched. </p><p>Jaskier never told anyone his name, here he was Al, a prisoner like the others, apparently too talkative for his own good. </p><p>Things got worse when the monolith magic started to affect the workers, one woman fell screaming, clutching at her back, a guard and a mage arrived quickly, dispersed the onlookers and ripped the woman’s shirt to reveal that something was moving underneath her skin. The mage took a knife and cut through the skin and muscles and two leather wings emerged from the cuts. </p><p>Gasps escaped the people around but the woman was taken away and they were ordered to work. Jaskier joined a few shouting for answers to what was the monolith doing to them, the guard recognized him and smirked. Jaskier was the only one taken that day, they took his hand and nailed it to a log, leaving him like this for a night. The morning came, a sorceress healed him and sent him back to work. </p><p>Two days later a man coughed fire and was taken away, they slowly realized the monolith changed them and have them some sort of magical creature capacity. They heard that those who survived the change were sent away to the Nilfgaardian big cities to compete as gladiator. Weeks passed and nothing happened until a structure they were using to help the dig collapsed. A man tried to grab Jaskier to save himself but Jaskier knew he was about to be crushed too so he stepped away and let the man die. This was the first man Jaskier killed. </p>
<hr/><p>They got tested regularly now, every month they got taken to a tent to check if they had started to change, when the usual short magical inspection got longer Jaskier realized they found something in him. Properly scared he tried to find a way to escape, he could not ensure whatever they did to people who changed, he heard the screams, he couldn’t go through any of this. And be would not become a gladiator. He used to be a bard, he may not be Jaskier anymore but he couldn’t let Al become a murderer either. They had to restrain him and the tent got bathed in light when Fringilla out of all people stepped in. </p><p>« You are a lucky one. First one to have this mutation really, no wings, no magic. You Al are immortal. » she explained analytically. « well you can be killed, hurt and more but your life expectancy is akin to the purest magical creature. » </p><p>Jaskier knew he should shut up, not talk but he couldn’t help himself. </p><p>« So you won’t send me to the arena right ? No use for non invincible immortal there. » Fringilla frowned and got closer, her fingers toying with a seringe full of some black thick matter. </p><p>« This is a condensed version of the monolith. If you survive to it, the change will be forever, if we don’t do this, the change only last while you’re near the monoliths. You are right, I doubt you’ll make good entertainment in the arenas but we can’t let an immortal, especially one people listen to with our worker. So yes. You’ll join the arena. Try not to die too fast. » and she very softly nested the needle in one of his vein. At first he felt nothing, but then he saw more than felt the thick liquid being pumped through his arm toward his heart and it was the worst pain he ever felt, he felt crushed, drowned, his whole being obliterated. He screamed until his throat hurt, his vocal cord struggling to resist the intensity of his screams. In a weird conscious thought he bit his collar to try save his voice. He couldn’t loose it. He needed to know he would sing again. </p><p> </p><p>He lived and was shipped to the second biggest Nilfgaardian city, the arena was big, the public thirsty for more blood, even as half the continent was drenched in the ones their army spilled. When they have him a sword the trainers thought he wouldn’t know how to use it. Stupid them, he was a son of nobility, he had learned to sword fight from childhood and when he traveled with Geralt, the Witcher made sure he kept his knowledge and reflex sharp. It’s just that Jaskier hates to inflict physical violence, he can cut a man’s worth with his words, will use a djinn to his advantage but can’t fathom spilling blood. He’s pretty sure Geralt knew that for even when the bard was standing ready to strike an opponent when forced to, Geralt was always faster and stroke first. </p><p>But now Geralt wasn’t there, he was alone, a sword in his hands and a woman with sharp teeth and claws where her nails used to be speed up to him. She launched on instinct, he avoided her blow, cut the tendons bring her ankle, she roared and jumped at him he raised his arm and plunged his sword in her chest. Her blood gushed along his arm and covered his shirt, when he looked at her eyes she looked scared. He tried to put her down gently, to apologize but they took her corpse away as soon as she fell on the ground and the audience applauded his surprise win. </p><p> </p><p>He was used to be booed as a the bard Jaskier so it didn’t matter when he got booed as Al the gladiator. He did not give entertaining fights, he escaped his opponent until they got tired or made mistake, he always wounded them, wanting to give them a chance to give up and live. When he killed it was quick efficient. The public hated him but he survived. </p><p>His hair was greasy, his hands coated with blood. The scars littered his body but he was alive. The last time he has tried to talk his way out of a situation was when he refused to fight a kid, a guard threatened him with a spear, Jaskier was pissed and taunted him, insulted all the people here to watch children die. He woke up in an infirmary bed, the guard had launch the spear at him and the kid had plunged a knife in his collarbone. He should have died but he was wounded before the fight began he was saved. Somehow, they thought their rules allowed them their horrific games. Jaskier stopped trying to save himself and kept on surviving. He lost track of who he used to be with each fight he had. </p>
<hr/><p>It was a crazy plan, on that they all agreed, they needed intel on the next raids and what Nilfgaard knew about Ciri. They needed to be all there, Yenn was their way in and out, Eskel was the one who would kill guards and kidnap the dignitary they needed to question, Vesemir and Geralt needed to make sure all went according to plan and Geralt couldn’t leave Ciri alone so she came. She also argued she knew more than any Witcher how to recognize who held power in a group of people. So they were in Nilfgaard territory, moving through the crowd who gathered to witness a gladiator fight. Yenn sneered at them, Eskel threw a disapproving glare at all of them and Geralt made sure Ciri's gaze was shielded from the fight. She had seen enough horror as it was. It felt so ironic that the people who despised Witcher for their supposed cruelty were enthralled at the idea of seeing two people kill for their entertainment. Only the sadist and those who never killed could find delectation in the death of others. Death was no spectacle to cheer on. </p><p>A man announced the next fight, a man half turned into a chimera, his legs strong paws of a lion, sharp talons as hands and poisonous fangs. The crowd cheered, then the announcer called the second fighter « the immortal Al ! » and people started booing. Truly Geralt did not care about the fight and couldn’t care for some miserable prisoner but he felt offended for the man who was probably gonna die for the audience amusement. He saw that Yennefer had also frowned at the sound. So he looked down at the arena and froze, Jaskier, Jaskier was standing there, a sword in hand looking at his opponent, not caring of the booing. Geralt almost jumped to reach him instinctively but Yenn pressed a string palm against his chest to stop him, she glanced at Ciri who was a bit lost about what was happening. He had to protect her, he couldn’t just jump in the middle of the arena and be suddenly the center of the attention. He took a deep breathe and focused on Eskel making his way to the dignitary Ciri had indicated as the man who was making the political decision. Standing a bit far from the official leader. Geralt smelled the excitation in the air as the fight began, Jaskier slipping away from each attack, he saw Yennefer sending a small spell to push the chimera man away from the bard. </p><p>Suddenly screams rang where Eskel had gone to, their target dragged by his distinct silhouette as several men and women fell dead, creating a distraction much needed. Geralt looked back at Ciri and met Vesemir face who nodded, putting his hand on Ciri shoulder as a sign he would project her. So Geralt pushed his way through and jumped inside the arena, Jaskier had been ushered away but the guards struggled to calm the chimera down from its killing rage. Geralt killed him, half in pity on what the man had become, half in vengeance for attacking Jaskier. Some guards tried to stop him but they were mere leaf on his way. He found Jaskier in a closed cell sitting, looking at his hands, scrapping the blood still coating his knuckles from his last fight. </p><p>« Jaskier » called Geralt. It had been so long since someone called him that, so long since someone knew his name, so long since he last heard the gruff voice of Geralt that Jaskier almost did not believe what he heard but still got up and toward the door Geralt was breaking. They stood like that for a few seconds, Jaskier unsure he deserved to be saved, more so by Geralt, Geralt whose last words to him were words of hatred. Months before he might have been able to know it wasn’t meant to be but now he was scared. Jaskier started to lower the hand he had risen toward Geralt but the Witcher caught it and pulled Jaskier in a tight embrace, nestling the bard’s face in his neck. </p><p>« I’m here. I am so fucking sorry Jaskier. It’s gonna be alright. »</p><p>Jaskier had only meant to take a deep breath but it left his lips as a sob and suddenly he was crying into the Witcher arms till he exhausted the last energy he had left. </p>
<hr/><p>Jaskier doesn’t speak. Yennefer cuts his hair and shave his beard, after what Jaskier looks at himself in the mirror like he doesn’t quite recognize himself. They heal his wounds, learn what he went through and of his immortality through his healing. He almost look ashamed of his mutation but Yennefer chastise him. « I’m almost immortal, so are all the Witcher and you have one mutation when they have hundreds. Ciri is one complex genetic pool so really, no need to feel embarrassed by one simple consequence to the experiment of assholes. » </p><p>He knows what’s she’s trying to do, taunting him to react to talk back when she’s making fun of him, she seems sad for him and that makes Jaskier wonder what happened to badass kinda mean to him Yennefer. She doesn’t tell him she feels guilty for being the reason Fringilla went to Nilfgaard, that she knows Istred is the one being the monolith excavation. She bears her shame as she can, and spare him the reminder of what he went through. </p><p>He has nightmares, his first one awoke all of them, thinking they were attacked until they found Ciri in Jaskier’s bedroom trying to coax him back to sleep. Since then Geralt sleeps with him, holding him close. Jaskier tries to argue, as much as his silence allows him through exasperated glare but Geralt just says he sleeps better knowing Jaskier is safe next to him. Jaskier still has nightmares but wakes to the safe sanctuary of Geralt’s arms and falls back to sleep. </p><p>They keep him away from Ciri’s training, afraid it’ll make his PTSD worse, Eskel is the one who understand Jaskier doesn’t fear seeing fights, he fears being an actor in them, is deeply scared of having to hold a sword. But he likes seeing Geralt train Ciri, the elegance of his movement, the way he smiles at Ciri. </p><p>One day, Jaskier approach the training ground while Geralt is speaking to Yennefer, he sees him and almost immediately turns away from Yennefer and walks toward him. He wants to ask sometimes, what happened to Geralt and Yennefer for them to have lost this passion they had, wants to ask why does Geralt always goes to him. Jaskier starts to hope for something he had long given hope on. </p><p>« She broke the wish. » says Vesemir one day, when they are alone together in the library. « They were wary of each other when they first got here together, it was annoying, so we worked, even Lambert helped. We found a djinn and broke the wish. They care for each other, deeply, they just chose different path, different people. » </p><p>He leaves unsaid what isn’t his to say but it quells some question in Jaskier’s mind. </p><p> </p><p>Spring comes, Ciri stays to be taught in theory by Vesemir while Yennefer goes to work on political alliance, they know that Nilfgaard leaders believe Ciri to be bound to a prophecy, they’re quite sure it’s better if she doesn’t activate said prophecy. Eskel left to rally other witchers and Geralt went back on the road to find contract, feeling way too caged up in Kaer Morhen after winter. Jaskier still doesn’t speak and stays there. Vesemir found out Jaskier knows some Elder tongue, which Ciri doesn’t so he asks him to translate some books for her studies. It occupies his time and takes him back to his time in Oxenfurt. </p><p>His nightmares are back since Geralt left but they are few. He has panic attacks sometimes, when be hears a loud sound out of nowhere or when he gets too lost in his mind. Ciri found him one day, hyperventilating, she didn’t know what to do and started to recite poems so he could follow the rhythm of the verse to match his breathing. It worked. </p><p> </p><p>The birds chirped and twittered</p><p>The forest rustled and rippled</p><p>The sky sighed and suspired</p><p>And the hummingbird tweedled and babbled</p><p> </p><p>The road is clear, the world is free</p><p>Come and snatch it before the spree</p><p>Wanderlust my friend come and find me</p><p>And together let’s pluck with glee</p><p>The bright fruits curling at our feet</p><p> </p><p>He wants to tell her it’s his poems she’s reciting but he can’t, and they’re from a time of happiness, he wrote them when he was still travelling with Geralt, young and feeling invincible, like the world was his oyster. Any verse coming to him now is ladden with sorrow and pain. He’d rather keep these away from the bright eyes of Ciri when she recites her favourite poems. </p><p>He likes translating though, he plays with the grammar and the words, allows himself some creative interpretation when he finds the original text too analytic and dry of worldly beauty. Vesemir finds it silly and useless but let’s him do it. Ciri loves it but his biggest compliment comes one evening. Geralt came back after a few weeks on the road, Jaskier finds him in the library, his fingers hovering over the pages Jaskier had been working on. When he turns around toward Jaskier he’s actually smiling and Jaskier feels a bit flustered at the sight. </p><p>Geralt gets closer and raise his hand to stroke his cheek </p><p>« You’re having fun. » He comments and Jaskier raises an eyebrow of a meaning along the idea of « duh ». </p><p>Geralt chuckles and leans him, dropping a kiss to Jaskier’s mouth and says. </p><p>« I’ve missed you. I’m glad you’re coming back. » </p><p>Jaskier closes his eyes to bask into the pure acceptance of the Witcher and leans in to kiss him some more. Hope blossoming in his chest where it was rotting before. </p><p>Geralt leaves the next day but gives Jaskier a black leather cover book of which he had a similar one. He picks a quill and writes a few words on his and nods at Jaskier to open his where now lays Geralt clumpy writing. </p>
<hr/><p>What Geralts can’t express in more words than a « hmm » he can write. He explains he’s sorry, That he was an ass (to which Jaskier agrees ) and missed Jaskier. Writes that he’s happy Jaskier is safe and lets him be near him. </p><p>At first it feels weird to read so much from the man who was so stingy with words before. But Jaskier writes back and talks about his traumas, his fear of losing the little he’s got, of having to kill again, of his shame of having killed. He tells Geralt he’s afraid of dying and of outliving everyone he holds dear. He tells he’s afraid of turning into a monster. Promises he wants to talk but just can’t. </p><p>Talking only got him pain, torture, betrayal recently and he can’t bring himself to speak anymore. He writes poem to Geralt. </p><p> </p><p>It's maw threaten me </p><p>When the black chasm is hungry </p><p>Through the void it echoes softly </p><p>As the darkness calls and I can't see </p><p>For the silvery moon is away </p><p>And the golden sun left to my dismay</p><p>Still my heart flutters like a daffodil</p><p>It follows you round the hill</p><p>Hear the wind and know my voice</p><p>Fear not my love cause I’m never far </p><p>My door stands ajar </p><p>And soon together we'll rejoice</p><p> </p><p>Geralt just writes back. « I’ll come back. I won’t leave. » </p><p> </p><p>Jaskier struggles to look at his hands, keeps scratching them to try to get the phantom presence of blood away. One day of summer, Yennefer comes back to teach Ciri magic for a while. She sees Jaskier sweating in the big leather gloves he wears often and she rolls her eyes, portals away and comes back with soft silky gloves fitting him perfectly. He tries to express gratitude but she stops him and walks away, they both smile when the other can’t watch. </p><p> </p><p>Geralt comes back frequently, giving news of the continent situation with Nilfgaard and holds Jaskier in his bed. They start sleeping together, the Witcher relishing on the soft sounds escaping the bard’s mouth in the throes of passion. It’s not rough and needy like Jaskier used to imagine. It’s calm, insistent and loving. He’s safe. Geralt can walk the path, he always comes back to Jaskier. </p><p> </p><p>Ciri has stayed safe for a long time and Nilfgaard's invasion struggles to keep going as months have gone by without finding the purpose of the war. The armies are losing steam and unrest rises in the continent. They all know it’s time to strike. </p><p>Witchers from different places have agreed to help, Yennefer, Tissaia and Triss have worked hard to create an alliance of the realms still standing. Ciri has signed a paper relinquishing her throne , having no kingdom to go back to, she officially gives the lands back to the elves. She did it to right her grandmother's wrong but it gets them the support of elves and many magical beings. </p><p>They need to people to follow and Jaskier knows that’s when he can help. He’s good with crowd, they made his fortune before the war and his doom during his imprisonment. He write a song for all the people who fell and all who survived. An ode to fighting back in order to live. And a bit of a revenge call. He sends it to his fellow bards, the ones he knows are still playing from the details he pulled from Geralt about who he heard singing. </p><p> </p><p>Toiled and troubled is the land</p><p>Mines and pits built to make her yield</p><p>But oh foolish men who don’t fear her reprimand</p><p>Be leery of the force she wield</p><p> </p><p>Caved and caged is the sea</p><p>She rises and roar to no avail</p><p>And no one hears the ocean scream deadly</p><p>Until the waves trash and crash with the gale</p><p> </p><p>Oh foolish men who don’t see their death coming</p><p>Earth and sea soar and shake damning</p><p>Waves wreck shore and pits</p><p>Rousing, rumbling, howling</p><p>Pitiful creatures drowned by powers brimming</p><p>Did you learn nothing?</p><p>Your disdain is your doom</p><p>Alas this is your tomb</p><p> </p><p>So hear my cry and rise!</p><p>Rise with murder in your eyes</p><p>Rise from the pits angry</p><p>And inescapable as the earth and sea</p><p>Cut and crush under your feet</p><p>In tune with nature’s roaring heartbeat</p><p> </p><p>It works. He knew it would but it still feels great to know his words can rouse people up and yet it makes him feel sad that he wasn’t there to do so. </p><p>The civil war they rage on Nilfgaard is over quite quickly once the king learns Ciri used a wish from the djinn Yennefer found to cut herself away from the prophecy. </p><p>Ciri will walk the path of witchers, Yenn goes to Aretuza and makes young sorceress walk their own path through the continent « learn by traveling, don’t chain yourself to a kingdom ». </p><p> </p><p>One winter, Geralt comes back to Kaer Morhen, shaking the snow drift he had to cut his way through. He listens for the sounds of Ciri and Eskel training, the snores of Vesemir and a soft sound he hasn’t heard in a long time. A cord being plucked. </p><p>Silent as he can be he approach the room where Jaskier is, sees the bard take his silk gloves off and taking a deep breathe before rising a violin to his shoulder and starts playing. Geralt can’t help but come inside the room and leans against the wall, enjoying the clear melody of the instrument. Jaskier finishes his piece and let a deep breathe leave his lungs. He turns around and sees Geralt smiling at him. Without thinking about it he takes the violin back and starts playing again. This time, when he finishes the introduction he opens his mouth and sings. </p><p>Geralts watches him intensely and Jaskier can’t stop singing suddenly free of all that plagued him for years. Of only for a moment. The song ends, the two men look at each other and smile. </p><p>It’s still winter but spring is getting closer. They’ll soon be able to go to the coast.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This was an intense ride but somehow I think it's one of my best work. </p><p>Thank you so much acatbyanyothername. You read my story and listened to my very vague explanations to turn it into beautiful poetry. </p><p>I hope you all enjoyed it dearly. Please leave kudos if you enjoyed it.<br/>And comment your every feeling at this story!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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